Falling Madly In Love With Absolutely Everything

You fall in love with everyone when they are talking about their favorite things
You fall in love with voices that rumble like the earth whispering all its darkest secrets
You fall in love with people who carry the moon in their chests
You fall in love with people’s scars, you dive into their stories, you memorize the maps of memories on their skin
You fall in love with the sorrow people cater to in their hearts, you wait to see how much of it spills out and where it goes afterward
You fall in love with a song you’ve heard since you were born but you never remember, you hear it humming in the blood of everyone around you
You fall in love with anyone who quotes Vonnegut and makes eye contact for so long it makes you feel uncomfortable
You fall in love with the way another person’s presence can begin to feel so much like home
You fall in love with the bits of cosmic dust connecting your veins to those of every living thing
You fall in love with the night sky and all its musings
You fall in love with absolutely everything 
You surrender yourself
You shed your skin
You fall into love and let it swallow you whole

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Obey

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves 
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself 
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts 
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing 
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long 
to bloom like flowers in the spring

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Accept Them As Truths

My mania tells me things and I accept them as truths

Like:

If you stay awake long enough, 

everything will make sense

Like:

If you starve your body, 

your mind will expand

Like:

If you drink another pot of coffee you will be calm

Like:

If you smoke another cigarette your hands will stop shaking 

Like:

If you feel like you are going in the right direction,

turn around and run the other way

Like: 

If you feel like you are alone,

stay where you are and never leave

Like: 

If you stop speaking to everyone

for long enough

they will forget you exist

Like:

If you stop writing things down

it's like they never even happened

Like:

If you let another person stay near you for too long, 

their aura will eventually leak out

and seep into you 

and it will make your insides melt

Like:

If you try to figure out what someone else is thinking,

you will either only pick up static

or you will hear awful noise

Like: 

If you love someone,

you will make them wish

you'd never met

Like:

If you try to forget,

the memory will only get stronger,

it will plant roots in your chest

while you sleep

I Never Want To Stop

I never want to go anywhere without pressed flowers in my notebooks and I always want to have turquoise in my pockets and I never want to stop writing poetry and I will let it bleed me dry if that’s what it wants and I never want to stop staying up at night contemplating the stars and I never want to stop feeling every little thing like an anvil on my chest and I never want to stop agonizing over every little detail of absolutely everything and I never want to treat love like it is some big secret and I never want to stop filling up everyone I know with the same light they have poured into me and I want to keep growing stronger until I can swallow the sky and the sun and open my arms up and wrap myself around the Void until we become one with one another, until we can finally sleep.

Rest easy, sweet dreams.

Nocturne

When I am seventeen I go a bit insane and I discover that the whole world is connected to me by strings and I don’t know if I control them or if they control me but I do know that I feel very enlightened and aware when I have not eaten for five days and I drink two pots of coffee a day to stay awake because the nights are still whispering all their darkest secrets and I know that there is a grid of cosmic light keeping everything in tact but why? I see God in the golden dust that exists within each and every one of us and it makes me want to tear out my hair and scream at the top of my lungs when you tell me you can’t find salvation, just look at yourself, look inward, look back, look ahead, look anywhere.

A Nervous Girl Attends A Casual Party

I am at the party I did not want to attend

I am at the party although I would rather be at home in bed

I am at the party and I cannot find the girl who invited me

I am at the party and oh my god where should I stand

I am at the party and I am feeling grateful for the pack of cigarettes I bought before I came, now I have something to do with my hands

I am at the party and everyone seems to be speaking a foreign language I can't understand

I am at the party and no thank you I don't want a drink

I am at the party and I already said no, please leave me alone

I am at the party and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude

I am at the party and why am I sorry I haven't done anything wrong

I am at the party and I am trying hard to blend in with the patterns on the wallpaper

I am at the party and I am focusing on seeping into the furniture and into the floor and into the soil

I am at the party and it's been 30 minutes is it okay for me to leave yet

I am at the party and why don't these people have any pets

I am at the party and the line for the bathroom is way too long where am I going to hide now

I am at the party and I am texting myself would-be poems that will gather dust as drafts

I am at the party and I should really learn how to dance

I am at the party and I look across the room and I see you

I am at the party and she is biting your lip, her fingers in your hair

I am at the party and you look happier with her than you ever did with me

I am leaving the party as quickly and calmly as my legs will carry me

I am leaving the party and it's okay I'm okay everything is going to be okay

I Have This Fantasy

I have this fantasy where I am driving on the interstate and I am not daydreaming about crashing my car and being killed on impact

I have this fantasy where I have never spent a whole summer covering up my scars

I have this fantasy where I know my body and I am at peace with it

I have this fantasy where I never stopped making art because of what a teacher said to me when I was seventeen

I have this fantasy where I know how to write good poetry

I have this fantasy where I have never fallen in love with too many drug addicts

I have this fantasy where I am sleeping with a stranger for fun and not because I hurt

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the best parts of me

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the worst parts of me

I have this fantasy where I can say “I love you” out loud instead of just writing it down

I have this fantasy where I am giving my whole self to somebody else and they are not asking me for more

My Demons Are Clever, They Lurk In Ordinary Things

My demons are there are too many people out there and they are never going to leave me alone

My demons are I am turning down my music because I don’t want anyone else to hear what I am listening to

My demons are I have to sit at the back of the classroom because I cannot stand the possibility that someone might be looking at the back of my head

My demons are oh my god I’ve been staring at that girl I’m sorry I was just daydreaming

My demons are I can hear voices from the room I just left they are probably talking about how much they hate me right

My demons are I bet they think I’m crazy because of my scars

My demons are I can feel our auras touching when you sit down next to me please leave

My demons are what should I say oh god I never know what to say maybe I should just stay quiet

My demons are shut up shut up shut up

My demons are I want you to touch me so badly but when you do I feel like I might die

My demons are I am afraid of everything especially the things I want

My demons are one day I will die and the whole universe will forget that I was ever here at all

When I Think About You

Fireworks at night.
An ocean of light.
Bottle the sun.

The summer of peach tea and cigarettes.
Vonnegut and insomnia and all the ticking clocks.
Time flying by in quick movements
like fabric through our fingertips
when all we want is more and more and more.
Thirst.
Insatiable, 

craving every touch
every moment every bit,

every kiss every skin cell every drop of blood
every molecule. 

Home.
Warm, familiar spaces

where we melt into the cracks of one another
and begin to feel like a whole.
We will devour each other
and seep into the furniture
and into the floorboards

and into the soil. 

We will become shelter, 

we will be safe and warm.

you and I will devour each other

You and I will devour each other like there is a fire inside burning up every bit of poetry scribbled down on the backs of napkins, every line you have ever spilled into me, pushed past my lips and scraped along my teeth with your tongue. We become wild things with sharp claws that rip and tear and bite, there are monsters in your voice when you moan into me and I am falling quickly in love with each and every one of them. And to be honest touching you touching me has provided me with enough material to last through years of loneliness, there is a quiet storm behind my eyelids when I am alone in bed with my hands between my thighs, there is a tidal wave screaming your name that only escapes in satisfied sighs.