Tear Out / Crumple Up / Walk Away / Escape

tear out from inside all things sharp


tear out from inside all things that cut


tear out from inside all things that bruise


tear out from inside all things that hurt


tear out from inside all things cold


tear out from inside all things cruel


tear out from inside all things heavy


tear out from inside all things empty


tear out from inside all things buried

crumple it up


throw it down on the floor


walk away


don’t look back


escape

When You Carry Your Depression Everywhere You Go

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
It has always been there,
waiting
to sink its claws 
into anything 
and everyone
that gets too close.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I have felt it moving in my blood
since I was very young;
even when the world was at its brightest,
I could see the clouds moving in
to cover everything in fog.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I tell myself I know its tricks,
I tell myself I’ve carried it long enough by now
to keep it contained,
to keep any of it from spilling out
around me
and the ones I love.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
Some nights I lose sleep
thinking of when and how
it will resurface,
what will happen
when all of my demons
come up for air.

Great Big Nothing

I lie awake some nights
I try to achieve some form of stillness
I listen so hard I swear I can hear the earth breathing
I wait for any answers
I wait for any sign of hope
I wait for some distant echo from a past or future self

What I hear is the wind at my window
What I hear is a great big nothing
What I hear is my own voice whispering something like a prayer

It’s okay
You’re okay
You can sleep.

I Never Want To Forget Any Of This

Remember how the night was deceptively warm, and how you carried all the frost in your chest like you hadn’t spoken a word in a whole year
Remember how you drove to their house with a hurricane in your blood thinking of everything that could go wrong
Remember how you felt your knees crumble and your lungs lock up that summer night in the park behind the school
Remember how badly this ended before
Remember all the cruel hands you let touch your skin when you were grasping at anything that made you feel less alone
Remember the vulnerability
Remember the panic
Remember the feeling of an anvil on your chest
Remember the jubilance
Remember the nights when your bodies entwined on a bed made too small for two people to share
Remember the way their eyes lit up when they told you about all their favorite things
Remember how they cracked open their ribs and poured out everything collected inside
Remember how you wanted to drink their light like it was wine
Remember how you wanted to open their skull and swim inside
Remember how you would bottle sunlight for this person if you could
Remember how you you would swallow all their pain and carry all their fear if you were strong enough
Remember how you were too excited by their existence to fall asleep some nights
Remember how you fell in love like having the wind knocked out of you in the very best way
Remember all of this, every bit

Falling Madly In Love With Absolutely Everything

You fall in love with everyone when they are talking about their favorite things
You fall in love with voices that rumble like the earth whispering all its darkest secrets
You fall in love with people who carry the moon in their chests
You fall in love with people’s scars, you dive into their stories, you memorize the maps of memories on their skin
You fall in love with the sorrow people cater to in their hearts, you wait to see how much of it spills out and where it goes afterward
You fall in love with a song you’ve heard since you were born but you never remember, you hear it humming in the blood of everyone around you
You fall in love with anyone who quotes Vonnegut and makes eye contact for so long it makes you feel uncomfortable
You fall in love with the way another person’s presence can begin to feel so much like home
You fall in love with the bits of cosmic dust connecting your veins to those of every living thing
You fall in love with the night sky and all its musings
You fall in love with absolutely everything 
You surrender yourself
You shed your skin
You fall into love and let it swallow you whole

Affirmations | 03.03.15

I am constantly growing. I am constantly changing. I am reaching inward and holding on tight to anything that feels right. I am tearing out from inside anything too sharp, anything that cuts for all the wrong reasons. I am scraping together all the love I can find into small orbs of light I can hold in my hands. I am raising my voice. I am lifting my hands up toward the sky and asking for more and more and all. I am vibrating with such intention and I will direct it at anything that makes the blood boil under my skin. I am here and I am awake and I am alive and I have never been so ready and so excited and so terrified.