Your Body Is A Haunted House And I Want To Live Inside Of It

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to listen 

to the floorboards creak

and to the ghosts

whispering all their darkest secrets

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to seep

into the floorboards

into the foundation

into the soil

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to fill every room

everything

everywhere

with the same light

you have poured into me

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to stay

until we crumble

into dust

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Obey

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves 
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself 
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts 
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing 
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long 
to bloom like flowers in the spring

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Accept Them As Truths

My mania tells me things and I accept them as truths

Like:

If you stay awake long enough, 

everything will make sense

Like:

If you starve your body, 

your mind will expand

Like:

If you drink another pot of coffee you will be calm

Like:

If you smoke another cigarette your hands will stop shaking 

Like:

If you feel like you are going in the right direction,

turn around and run the other way

Like: 

If you feel like you are alone,

stay where you are and never leave

Like: 

If you stop speaking to everyone

for long enough

they will forget you exist

Like:

If you stop writing things down

it's like they never even happened

Like:

If you let another person stay near you for too long, 

their aura will eventually leak out

and seep into you 

and it will make your insides melt

Like:

If you try to figure out what someone else is thinking,

you will either only pick up static

or you will hear awful noise

Like: 

If you love someone,

you will make them wish

you'd never met

Like:

If you try to forget,

the memory will only get stronger,

it will plant roots in your chest

while you sleep

Yeah, You Keep Dreaming, Kid

In my dreams a publisher sees my work and tells me they think I've got a real shot

In my dreams the ratio of rejection to acceptance letters in my inbox is not quite as depressing as it is in real life

In my dreams I am not editing my suicide notes and calling it poetry

In my dreams I never burned all my best work in my mother's fireplace when I was seventeen

In my dreams I can finish an entire project before the fear consumes me and causes me to walk away halfway through

In my dreams I am not bitter over the success of others

In my dreams I know where the line between courage and cowardice truly is

In my dreams I have never once thought of giving it all up

In my dreams I am brave

In my dreams I am unwilling to compromise

In my dreams I am tearing out my insides and throwing them down on the floor

In my dreams I am offering myself up as a whole and not as broken parts

In my dreams I am shouting I am here look at me

In my dreams I am exposing my open wounds and I am not asking to be healed

In my dreams I am cutting out my heart and I am not asking to be loved

In my dreams I am inadequate and insignificant and small and I wouldn't change that for the world

Empathy

Empathy is like:

I see the light pouring out of your eyes and into mine

and I know how the whole world

is tugging invisible threads under your skin

and I want to help you unravel them

until you feel free

until you feel safe

until you feel loved

until we both grow apart

until we die

until we’re dust

I Never Want To Stop

I never want to go anywhere without pressed flowers in my notebooks and I always want to have turquoise in my pockets and I never want to stop writing poetry and I will let it bleed me dry if that’s what it wants and I never want to stop staying up at night contemplating the stars and I never want to stop feeling every little thing like an anvil on my chest and I never want to stop agonizing over every little detail of absolutely everything and I never want to treat love like it is some big secret and I never want to stop filling up everyone I know with the same light they have poured into me and I want to keep growing stronger until I can swallow the sky and the sun and open my arms up and wrap myself around the Void until we become one with one another, until we can finally sleep.

Rest easy, sweet dreams.

Nocturne

When I am seventeen I go a bit insane and I discover that the whole world is connected to me by strings and I don’t know if I control them or if they control me but I do know that I feel very enlightened and aware when I have not eaten for five days and I drink two pots of coffee a day to stay awake because the nights are still whispering all their darkest secrets and I know that there is a grid of cosmic light keeping everything in tact but why? I see God in the golden dust that exists within each and every one of us and it makes me want to tear out my hair and scream at the top of my lungs when you tell me you can’t find salvation, just look at yourself, look inward, look back, look ahead, look anywhere.

I Swear I've Spent Half My Life Hiding In Bathrooms Arguing With Myself

We do not so much fall in love as we do into desperation.
While I am collapsing in on myself on the bathroom floor
trying to keep my own hands

from tearing me apart

you are tapping on the other side of the door,
whispering “It’s okay, please come out now.”

I am thinking about the way
you licked the lust off of my tongue

and it makes me sick.
I am thinking about the way
your fingers tightened around my throat
when I told you “I’ve never done anything like this before”
and I would give anything
to have the ability to rewind time,

go back to the moment before
I read your message, 

before I hit REPLY, 

before you drowned me 

in the delicious prose of your own sorrow,
before you unraveled my apathy 

with your bare hands 

and forced me to swallow it whole.
I am staring at my face in this dirty mirror
and I am drawing exes over my eyes
in the dust and the toothpaste splatter.
I am waiting for you to just give up.

I am waiting for you to leave me alone.

I am waiting for myself to gather the courage

to wash the tear-streaked makeup off of my face
and open the door,
walk away,

don’t say anything,
escape

A Nervous Girl Attends A Casual Party

I am at the party I did not want to attend

I am at the party although I would rather be at home in bed

I am at the party and I cannot find the girl who invited me

I am at the party and oh my god where should I stand

I am at the party and I am feeling grateful for the pack of cigarettes I bought before I came, now I have something to do with my hands

I am at the party and everyone seems to be speaking a foreign language I can't understand

I am at the party and no thank you I don't want a drink

I am at the party and I already said no, please leave me alone

I am at the party and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude

I am at the party and why am I sorry I haven't done anything wrong

I am at the party and I am trying hard to blend in with the patterns on the wallpaper

I am at the party and I am focusing on seeping into the furniture and into the floor and into the soil

I am at the party and it's been 30 minutes is it okay for me to leave yet

I am at the party and why don't these people have any pets

I am at the party and the line for the bathroom is way too long where am I going to hide now

I am at the party and I am texting myself would-be poems that will gather dust as drafts

I am at the party and I should really learn how to dance

I am at the party and I look across the room and I see you

I am at the party and she is biting your lip, her fingers in your hair

I am at the party and you look happier with her than you ever did with me

I am leaving the party as quickly and calmly as my legs will carry me

I am leaving the party and it's okay I'm okay everything is going to be okay

reasons to remain unattached (8/?)

I hurt myself on purpose,

I bleed, you bleed,

and my scars become your scars, too.

I Have This Fantasy

I have this fantasy where I am driving on the interstate and I am not daydreaming about crashing my car and being killed on impact

I have this fantasy where I have never spent a whole summer covering up my scars

I have this fantasy where I know my body and I am at peace with it

I have this fantasy where I never stopped making art because of what a teacher said to me when I was seventeen

I have this fantasy where I know how to write good poetry

I have this fantasy where I have never fallen in love with too many drug addicts

I have this fantasy where I am sleeping with a stranger for fun and not because I hurt

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the best parts of me

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the worst parts of me

I have this fantasy where I can say “I love you” out loud instead of just writing it down

I have this fantasy where I am giving my whole self to somebody else and they are not asking me for more