there is a light inside of you waiting to be found

When everything was dark I would have rather died than ask for help and I can never thank you enough for tearing me back out from inside myself and I hope that if you ever forget how to find that light glowing within yourself you will let me show you where it is hiding, waiting to be found.

When you touch me I am made of starlight, are there galaxies in your hands?

I think there might be galaxies in your fingertips and if you touch me maybe I will collapse in on myself like a dying star but if you don’t I will never know what infinity feels like and I have always wanted to be torn apart and put back together and I want you to be the one picking up the pieces, you are the only person who knows where they all fit.

reasons to remain unattached (6/?)

You look at me like I am made of gold and moonlight, but I know that I am composed of nightmares and nothing more.

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 7

My friends all said that you were bad news and my mother said that I was just confused but I'd already fallen too hard too fast and honestly I still can't believe that a girl like you could want someone like me and you never tried to fix me you never tried to make me eat so I'd look the other way when you'd lie and cheat but you wore hickies like some trophy you'd won for kissing all those other girls but when we touched you were always careful, you handled my skin like it was made of glass but baby for you I'd break and bleed, I just wanted you to notice me please look at me please touch me a little more.

maybe i used you to feel less invisible it was wrong i'm sorry 

the worst thing I ever did was drag you down with me

When we were young we would compare our scars and contemplate the stars and everything was safe and warm and full of light, but I sank my sharp teeth into you and turned you into something new, something dark, I never knew you felt so alone I never knew that this was more than just a game for you I never read in-between the lines of those messages you sent I never hit reply I’m so sorry oh god please try to remember me like I was something good.

Last Session with Mr. Tie Guy

Mr. Tie Guy is sporting a real classic today: a black tie all decked out with Loony Toons characters bumping into one another and branching off in all different directions. I have a theory: They have got to be Christmas presents from Mrs. Tie Guy. Christmas, birthday, Valentine's Day presents. Hideous ties. Year after year. Maybe it's not Mr. Tie Guy's fault, after all. He's only trying to spare his lovely wife's feelings.
Yeah. This thought helps me despise him less.
Mr. Tie Guy clears his phlegmy throat and finally croaks a request:
"Tell me about the pillars."
Sigh.
Alright.
I will answer him today.
"Well, the pillars are like...God, I haven't tried explaining this in awhile."
"It's okay. Take your time."
"Okay...I guess the pillars, they're like, everything--the things in my life that have remained consistant throughout the years. The things that have always been there and will always be there. Thinking about them as a visual entity--pillars--helps me feel...more grounded, I guess. Less likely to detatch from the ground and float off into oblivion."
"Can you be more specific?"
"I thought I was being specific."
"What exactly are the pillars, though? Examples."
"Uhm, okay. I guess...I mean, it's more of an overall feeling--a presence--it's not exactly physical or literal...but, I guess--family, friends, music that I like, things that I like, concepts...you know, things like that."
"And these things make you feel strong?"
"I guess you could say that."
"Safe?"
"Yes. Safe-er, anyway. It's just comforting, you know, when things get loud."
"You mean the Furies."
"Yeah."
"Let's hear about that."
Sigh.
Alright.
I will answer him today.
"I guess the Furies are essentially every evil thing residing within me, making themselves known through various forms of taunting, relentless irrational thinking and crippling self-loathing. I separate these thoughts from my own and give their credit to the Furies because I do not identify with them personally. I don't want to think these things, especially not frequently and loudly. I just want to find a way to silence them. For good. I've learned to dim them, even mute them at times, but they always find a way back..."
"And that's where the Lifeboat comes in."
"Yes."
"And the Lifeboat is what? The medicine?"
"Yes and no."
Pause. I'm watching him fidget with his tie, which is secured so snugly against his sweaty pink neck that tiny blue veins are beginning to scream against the surface of the skin for air.
"I guess it varies. Right now, I guess, yeah, the medicine was supposed to be my Lifeboat. A comfortable break from the churning storms, and the security of knowing that I'll never drift too far away. But...that kind of fucking sucks, doesn't it? I don't want this to be my Lifeboat. I don't want to need a prescription to keep the Panic at bay. It's ridiculous. It's fake."
He checks his watch and so do I. Fifteen minutes remain.
"So you don't want to take the medicine anymore, then?"
"I didn't say that. The truth is, I'm just not sure yet. I mean, I'm on a much lower dose than I was last time. And that makes me feel a little bit better about the whole thing. But still..."
"What?"
His impatience irritates me.
"I want a real-life cure for the neurotic bullshit going on inside my head. I want to go out into the world and find it myself. Earn it. Not take the easy way out with some handful of generic downers."
Pause. It would seem that Mr. Tie Guy has no reply.
"I guess I'm just hungry for change."

He tells me that I'm showing real signs of improvement and progress. I say yeah, yeah, thanks. He says that I seem fine, and I can go home early. I am not done talking. He, however, is done listening.
This has been the last conversation Mr. Tie Guy and I will ever have.

reasons to remain unattached (5/?)

You are starlight in human skin,
but there are also flames inside your veins
and I have been burned too many times before.

a letter to my former self

One day much sooner than you think you will open your eyes up and you will breathe fresh air into those tired lungs within that aching chest of yours and it will fill you up with warm, golden light, I know that right now everything seems so dark and lonesome and I know it isn’t fair I know you feel the pain of that monster’s hands around your mother’s throat, his poison in her blood, but this will only ruin you if you let it and I am begging you to be brave and I am pleading with you to be kind, even to yourself.

I know you think that this is the end but I promise you there is so much to look forward to.

reasons to remain unattached (4/?)

I’ve spent years building up a thick skin so I won’t be ripped to shreds by everyone I touch, but you tear off layers with your lips, you cut me open with your fingertips.