Self-Destruction As A Form Of Creation

Dig your fingernails into the palms of your hands to remind yourself of what it feels like to be powerful
Scratch yourself when you feel numb to remind yourself that there is still blood pumping beneath your skin
Experiment with how long you can thrive off of nothing but caffeine and nicotine
Stay awake all night staring at your bedroom window until light creeps in and the morning birds start to sing
Read old letters you’ve kept in boxes in your closet and let their words seep into your subconscious 
Burn your old journals and pretend that none of it was real
Paint over your canvases and make something new
Hurt yourself on purpose as a source of inspiration
Lock yourself inside of an empty room with no windows or mirrors
Apologize to yourself 
Ask for forgiveness
Beg to be reborn

I Am Not Coming Up For Air

I am tearing every flower out from inside of myself

and replacing them with thorns.

I am feeling this fully, painfully, everything is heavy.

I am diving into the needles of this memory

and I am not coming up for air

until I have poured every drop of your name

out of my mouth.

I Had This Dream Where I Met Myself When I Was Still In The Womb. I Could Ask Or Say Anything.

There is so much bad out here. But there is also such beauty.

Do you feel safe? Hold on to that feeling. There are times out here when it seems impossible to find safety anywhere.

It’s nice and warm where you are. Out here it gets cold and it seeps into your blood and your bones and makes you feel like a plant withering beneath the frost.

Do you feel loved? You have no idea of all the ways in which your heart will be torn apart out here. There are disadvantages to loving too fully. There are disadvantages to feeling too deeply.

Do you have the strength to make yourself numb when the world is too jagged and sharp?

You will have to learn to find love from within before you search for it without.

It will take you a very long time, and you will put it down and walk away and misplace it sometimes.

But one day you will open your eyes and you will see light everywhere. Things were dark for so long but now there is light and there is love,

oh, my god, there is love

and there is so much to be grateful for.

I love you.

Do you love me?

Rest easy. 

Sweet dreams.

Tear Out / Crumple Up / Walk Away / Escape

tear out from inside all things sharp


tear out from inside all things that cut


tear out from inside all things that bruise


tear out from inside all things that hurt


tear out from inside all things cold


tear out from inside all things cruel


tear out from inside all things heavy


tear out from inside all things empty


tear out from inside all things buried

crumple it up


throw it down on the floor


walk away


don’t look back


escape

When You Carry Your Depression Everywhere You Go

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
It has always been there,
waiting
to sink its claws 
into anything 
and everyone
that gets too close.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I have felt it moving in my blood
since I was very young;
even when the world was at its brightest,
I could see the clouds moving in
to cover everything in fog.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I tell myself I know its tricks,
I tell myself I’ve carried it long enough by now
to keep it contained,
to keep any of it from spilling out
around me
and the ones I love.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
Some nights I lose sleep
thinking of when and how
it will resurface,
what will happen
when all of my demons
come up for air.

Great Big Nothing

I lie awake some nights
I try to achieve some form of stillness
I listen so hard I swear I can hear the earth breathing
I wait for any answers
I wait for any sign of hope
I wait for some distant echo from a past or future self

What I hear is the wind at my window
What I hear is a great big nothing
What I hear is my own voice whispering something like a prayer

It’s okay
You’re okay
You can sleep.

I Never Want To Forget Any Of This

Remember how the night was deceptively warm, and how you carried all the frost in your chest like you hadn’t spoken a word in a whole year
Remember how you drove to their house with a hurricane in your blood thinking of everything that could go wrong
Remember how you felt your knees crumble and your lungs lock up that summer night in the park behind the school
Remember how badly this ended before
Remember all the cruel hands you let touch your skin when you were grasping at anything that made you feel less alone
Remember the vulnerability
Remember the panic
Remember the feeling of an anvil on your chest
Remember the jubilance
Remember the nights when your bodies entwined on a bed made too small for two people to share
Remember the way their eyes lit up when they told you about all their favorite things
Remember how they cracked open their ribs and poured out everything collected inside
Remember how you wanted to drink their light like it was wine
Remember how you wanted to open their skull and swim inside
Remember how you would bottle sunlight for this person if you could
Remember how you you would swallow all their pain and carry all their fear if you were strong enough
Remember how you were too excited by their existence to fall asleep some nights
Remember how you fell in love like having the wind knocked out of you in the very best way
Remember all of this, every bit

Falling Madly In Love With Absolutely Everything

You fall in love with everyone when they are talking about their favorite things
You fall in love with voices that rumble like the earth whispering all its darkest secrets
You fall in love with people who carry the moon in their chests
You fall in love with people’s scars, you dive into their stories, you memorize the maps of memories on their skin
You fall in love with the sorrow people cater to in their hearts, you wait to see how much of it spills out and where it goes afterward
You fall in love with a song you’ve heard since you were born but you never remember, you hear it humming in the blood of everyone around you
You fall in love with anyone who quotes Vonnegut and makes eye contact for so long it makes you feel uncomfortable
You fall in love with the way another person’s presence can begin to feel so much like home
You fall in love with the bits of cosmic dust connecting your veins to those of every living thing
You fall in love with the night sky and all its musings
You fall in love with absolutely everything 
You surrender yourself
You shed your skin
You fall into love and let it swallow you whole

Affirmations | 03.03.15

I am constantly growing. I am constantly changing. I am reaching inward and holding on tight to anything that feels right. I am tearing out from inside anything too sharp, anything that cuts for all the wrong reasons. I am scraping together all the love I can find into small orbs of light I can hold in my hands. I am raising my voice. I am lifting my hands up toward the sky and asking for more and more and all. I am vibrating with such intention and I will direct it at anything that makes the blood boil under my skin. I am here and I am awake and I am alive and I have never been so ready and so excited and so terrified.

Your Body Is A Haunted House And I Want To Live Inside Of It

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to listen 

to the floorboards creak

and to the ghosts

whispering all their darkest secrets

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to seep

into the floorboards

into the foundation

into the soil

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to fill every room

everything

everywhere

with the same light

you have poured into me

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to stay

until we crumble

into dust

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Obey

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves 
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself 
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts 
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing 
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long 
to bloom like flowers in the spring

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Accept Them As Truths

My mania tells me things and I accept them as truths

Like:

If you stay awake long enough, 

everything will make sense

Like:

If you starve your body, 

your mind will expand

Like:

If you drink another pot of coffee you will be calm

Like:

If you smoke another cigarette your hands will stop shaking 

Like:

If you feel like you are going in the right direction,

turn around and run the other way

Like: 

If you feel like you are alone,

stay where you are and never leave

Like: 

If you stop speaking to everyone

for long enough

they will forget you exist

Like:

If you stop writing things down

it's like they never even happened

Like:

If you let another person stay near you for too long, 

their aura will eventually leak out

and seep into you 

and it will make your insides melt

Like:

If you try to figure out what someone else is thinking,

you will either only pick up static

or you will hear awful noise

Like: 

If you love someone,

you will make them wish

you'd never met

Like:

If you try to forget,

the memory will only get stronger,

it will plant roots in your chest

while you sleep

Yeah, You Keep Dreaming, Kid

In my dreams a publisher sees my work and tells me they think I've got a real shot

In my dreams the ratio of rejection to acceptance letters in my inbox is not quite as depressing as it is in real life

In my dreams I am not editing my suicide notes and calling it poetry

In my dreams I never burned all my best work in my mother's fireplace when I was seventeen

In my dreams I can finish an entire project before the fear consumes me and causes me to walk away halfway through

In my dreams I am not bitter over the success of others

In my dreams I know where the line between courage and cowardice truly is

In my dreams I have never once thought of giving it all up

In my dreams I am brave

In my dreams I am unwilling to compromise

In my dreams I am tearing out my insides and throwing them down on the floor

In my dreams I am offering myself up as a whole and not as broken parts

In my dreams I am shouting I am here look at me

In my dreams I am exposing my open wounds and I am not asking to be healed

In my dreams I am cutting out my heart and I am not asking to be loved

In my dreams I am inadequate and insignificant and small and I wouldn't change that for the world

Empathy

Empathy is like:

I see the light pouring out of your eyes and into mine

and I know how the whole world

is tugging invisible threads under your skin

and I want to help you unravel them

until you feel free

until you feel safe

until you feel loved

until we both grow apart

until we die

until we’re dust

I Never Want To Stop

I never want to go anywhere without pressed flowers in my notebooks and I always want to have turquoise in my pockets and I never want to stop writing poetry and I will let it bleed me dry if that’s what it wants and I never want to stop staying up at night contemplating the stars and I never want to stop feeling every little thing like an anvil on my chest and I never want to stop agonizing over every little detail of absolutely everything and I never want to treat love like it is some big secret and I never want to stop filling up everyone I know with the same light they have poured into me and I want to keep growing stronger until I can swallow the sky and the sun and open my arms up and wrap myself around the Void until we become one with one another, until we can finally sleep.

Rest easy, sweet dreams.

Nocturne

When I am seventeen I go a bit insane and I discover that the whole world is connected to me by strings and I don’t know if I control them or if they control me but I do know that I feel very enlightened and aware when I have not eaten for five days and I drink two pots of coffee a day to stay awake because the nights are still whispering all their darkest secrets and I know that there is a grid of cosmic light keeping everything in tact but why? I see God in the golden dust that exists within each and every one of us and it makes me want to tear out my hair and scream at the top of my lungs when you tell me you can’t find salvation, just look at yourself, look inward, look back, look ahead, look anywhere.

I Swear I've Spent Half My Life Hiding In Bathrooms Arguing With Myself

We do not so much fall in love as we do into desperation.
While I am collapsing in on myself on the bathroom floor
trying to keep my own hands

from tearing me apart

you are tapping on the other side of the door,
whispering “It’s okay, please come out now.”

I am thinking about the way
you licked the lust off of my tongue

and it makes me sick.
I am thinking about the way
your fingers tightened around my throat
when I told you “I’ve never done anything like this before”
and I would give anything
to have the ability to rewind time,

go back to the moment before
I read your message, 

before I hit REPLY, 

before you drowned me 

in the delicious prose of your own sorrow,
before you unraveled my apathy 

with your bare hands 

and forced me to swallow it whole.
I am staring at my face in this dirty mirror
and I am drawing exes over my eyes
in the dust and the toothpaste splatter.
I am waiting for you to just give up.

I am waiting for you to leave me alone.

I am waiting for myself to gather the courage

to wash the tear-streaked makeup off of my face
and open the door,
walk away,

don’t say anything,
escape

A Nervous Girl Attends A Casual Party

I am at the party I did not want to attend

I am at the party although I would rather be at home in bed

I am at the party and I cannot find the girl who invited me

I am at the party and oh my god where should I stand

I am at the party and I am feeling grateful for the pack of cigarettes I bought before I came, now I have something to do with my hands

I am at the party and everyone seems to be speaking a foreign language I can't understand

I am at the party and no thank you I don't want a drink

I am at the party and I already said no, please leave me alone

I am at the party and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude

I am at the party and why am I sorry I haven't done anything wrong

I am at the party and I am trying hard to blend in with the patterns on the wallpaper

I am at the party and I am focusing on seeping into the furniture and into the floor and into the soil

I am at the party and it's been 30 minutes is it okay for me to leave yet

I am at the party and why don't these people have any pets

I am at the party and the line for the bathroom is way too long where am I going to hide now

I am at the party and I am texting myself would-be poems that will gather dust as drafts

I am at the party and I should really learn how to dance

I am at the party and I look across the room and I see you

I am at the party and she is biting your lip, her fingers in your hair

I am at the party and you look happier with her than you ever did with me

I am leaving the party as quickly and calmly as my legs will carry me

I am leaving the party and it's okay I'm okay everything is going to be okay

reasons to remain unattached (8/?)

I hurt myself on purpose,

I bleed, you bleed,

and my scars become your scars, too.

I Have This Fantasy

I have this fantasy where I am driving on the interstate and I am not daydreaming about crashing my car and being killed on impact

I have this fantasy where I have never spent a whole summer covering up my scars

I have this fantasy where I know my body and I am at peace with it

I have this fantasy where I never stopped making art because of what a teacher said to me when I was seventeen

I have this fantasy where I know how to write good poetry

I have this fantasy where I have never fallen in love with too many drug addicts

I have this fantasy where I am sleeping with a stranger for fun and not because I hurt

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the best parts of me

I have this fantasy where someone knows all the worst parts of me

I have this fantasy where I can say “I love you” out loud instead of just writing it down

I have this fantasy where I am giving my whole self to somebody else and they are not asking me for more

Little Light, Keep Shining Bright: An Ongoing Letter to My Little Sister

When you were born, I thought you were the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen, and even now all these years later, I still see everything golden and everything pure in the whole world shining in you.

You are not your body. Your body is the vessel that carries your being around this earth. Never forget this.

Try to spend much less time worrying about the appearance of your vessel and much more time developing who you are becoming as a being in this world.

Never stop chasing your passions. Eventually, they will always lead you where you are meant to go.

Never stop creating. Make something new every day, if you can. Don’t worry about it being a “good” poem or a “good” painting or a “good” song. Keep that creativity flowing, don’t let it dry out.

If an art teacher tells you “Anyone could make this” look them straight in the eyes and say “But they didn’t. I did.”

Try. Always try. There is no shame in making mistakes, there is no shame in failing. There is only shame in not giving something your best shot because you’re too afraid to even attempt it.

Do not ever feel like you HAVE to do ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsure.

You have not been placed on this earth to be anybody’s punching bag or anyone’s doormat.

You are a beautiful being and you are capable of incredible things. Show the world what you can do, and be proud of it, but not cocky.

Do not ever start smoking cigarettes. It is so hard to quit once you want to, and you will, I promise.

Everyone smokes pot in college and nobody cares. Be safe and be smart.

One day you will fall in love.

Who you fall in love with is not something that you can control. Sorry, kiddo, but that’s not the way it works.

Do not ever listen to those who might tell you that love is a matter of choice.

Above all else, always try to be kind.

Always try to be grateful, and to express that gratitude every day.

Nobody knows what happens after we die. Some people claim to, but the truth is that all we can really do is wait and see. So in the meantime, you’ve got this life. Make it count. Make it great.

Please, always know that when you need me I am here, forever, for all of this life and whatever might come after.

My Demons Are Clever, They Lurk In Ordinary Things

My demons are there are too many people out there and they are never going to leave me alone

My demons are I am turning down my music because I don’t want anyone else to hear what I am listening to

My demons are I have to sit at the back of the classroom because I cannot stand the possibility that someone might be looking at the back of my head

My demons are oh my god I’ve been staring at that girl I’m sorry I was just daydreaming

My demons are I can hear voices from the room I just left they are probably talking about how much they hate me right

My demons are I bet they think I’m crazy because of my scars

My demons are I can feel our auras touching when you sit down next to me please leave

My demons are what should I say oh god I never know what to say maybe I should just stay quiet

My demons are shut up shut up shut up

My demons are I want you to touch me so badly but when you do I feel like I might die

My demons are I am afraid of everything especially the things I want

My demons are one day I will die and the whole universe will forget that I was ever here at all

When I Think About You

Fireworks at night.
An ocean of light.
Bottle the sun.

The summer of peach tea and cigarettes.
Vonnegut and insomnia and all the ticking clocks.
Time flying by in quick movements
like fabric through our fingertips
when all we want is more and more and more.
Thirst.
Insatiable, 

craving every touch
every moment every bit,

every kiss every skin cell every drop of blood
every molecule. 

Home.
Warm, familiar spaces

where we melt into the cracks of one another
and begin to feel like a whole.
We will devour each other
and seep into the furniture
and into the floorboards

and into the soil. 

We will become shelter, 

we will be safe and warm.