Self-Destruction As A Form Of Creation

Dig your fingernails into the palms of your hands to remind yourself of what it feels like to be powerful
Scratch yourself when you feel numb to remind yourself that there is still blood pumping beneath your skin
Experiment with how long you can thrive off of nothing but caffeine and nicotine
Stay awake all night staring at your bedroom window until light creeps in and the morning birds start to sing
Read old letters you’ve kept in boxes in your closet and let their words seep into your subconscious 
Burn your old journals and pretend that none of it was real
Paint over your canvases and make something new
Hurt yourself on purpose as a source of inspiration
Lock yourself inside of an empty room with no windows or mirrors
Apologize to yourself 
Ask for forgiveness
Beg to be reborn

I Am Not Coming Up For Air

I am tearing every flower out from inside of myself

and replacing them with thorns.

I am feeling this fully, painfully, everything is heavy.

I am diving into the needles of this memory

and I am not coming up for air

until I have poured every drop of your name

out of my mouth.

When You Carry Your Depression Everywhere You Go

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
It has always been there,
waiting
to sink its claws 
into anything 
and everyone
that gets too close.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I have felt it moving in my blood
since I was very young;
even when the world was at its brightest,
I could see the clouds moving in
to cover everything in fog.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I tell myself I know its tricks,
I tell myself I’ve carried it long enough by now
to keep it contained,
to keep any of it from spilling out
around me
and the ones I love.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
Some nights I lose sleep
thinking of when and how
it will resurface,
what will happen
when all of my demons
come up for air.

Great Big Nothing

I lie awake some nights
I try to achieve some form of stillness
I listen so hard I swear I can hear the earth breathing
I wait for any answers
I wait for any sign of hope
I wait for some distant echo from a past or future self

What I hear is the wind at my window
What I hear is a great big nothing
What I hear is my own voice whispering something like a prayer

It’s okay
You’re okay
You can sleep.

I Never Want To Forget Any Of This

Remember how the night was deceptively warm, and how you carried all the frost in your chest like you hadn’t spoken a word in a whole year
Remember how you drove to their house with a hurricane in your blood thinking of everything that could go wrong
Remember how you felt your knees crumble and your lungs lock up that summer night in the park behind the school
Remember how badly this ended before
Remember all the cruel hands you let touch your skin when you were grasping at anything that made you feel less alone
Remember the vulnerability
Remember the panic
Remember the feeling of an anvil on your chest
Remember the jubilance
Remember the nights when your bodies entwined on a bed made too small for two people to share
Remember the way their eyes lit up when they told you about all their favorite things
Remember how they cracked open their ribs and poured out everything collected inside
Remember how you wanted to drink their light like it was wine
Remember how you wanted to open their skull and swim inside
Remember how you would bottle sunlight for this person if you could
Remember how you you would swallow all their pain and carry all their fear if you were strong enough
Remember how you were too excited by their existence to fall asleep some nights
Remember how you fell in love like having the wind knocked out of you in the very best way
Remember all of this, every bit

Falling Madly In Love With Absolutely Everything

You fall in love with everyone when they are talking about their favorite things
You fall in love with voices that rumble like the earth whispering all its darkest secrets
You fall in love with people who carry the moon in their chests
You fall in love with people’s scars, you dive into their stories, you memorize the maps of memories on their skin
You fall in love with the sorrow people cater to in their hearts, you wait to see how much of it spills out and where it goes afterward
You fall in love with a song you’ve heard since you were born but you never remember, you hear it humming in the blood of everyone around you
You fall in love with anyone who quotes Vonnegut and makes eye contact for so long it makes you feel uncomfortable
You fall in love with the way another person’s presence can begin to feel so much like home
You fall in love with the bits of cosmic dust connecting your veins to those of every living thing
You fall in love with the night sky and all its musings
You fall in love with absolutely everything 
You surrender yourself
You shed your skin
You fall into love and let it swallow you whole

Your Body Is A Haunted House And I Want To Live Inside Of It

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to listen 

to the floorboards creak

and to the ghosts

whispering all their darkest secrets

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to seep

into the floorboards

into the foundation

into the soil

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to fill every room

everything

everywhere

with the same light

you have poured into me

Your body is a haunted house

and I want to live inside of it

I want to stay

until we crumble

into dust

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Obey

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves 
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself 
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts 
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing 
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long 
to bloom like flowers in the spring

Yeah, You Keep Dreaming, Kid

In my dreams a publisher sees my work and tells me they think I've got a real shot

In my dreams the ratio of rejection to acceptance letters in my inbox is not quite as depressing as it is in real life

In my dreams I am not editing my suicide notes and calling it poetry

In my dreams I never burned all my best work in my mother's fireplace when I was seventeen

In my dreams I can finish an entire project before the fear consumes me and causes me to walk away halfway through

In my dreams I am not bitter over the success of others

In my dreams I know where the line between courage and cowardice truly is

In my dreams I have never once thought of giving it all up

In my dreams I am brave

In my dreams I am unwilling to compromise

In my dreams I am tearing out my insides and throwing them down on the floor

In my dreams I am offering myself up as a whole and not as broken parts

In my dreams I am shouting I am here look at me

In my dreams I am exposing my open wounds and I am not asking to be healed

In my dreams I am cutting out my heart and I am not asking to be loved

In my dreams I am inadequate and insignificant and small and I wouldn't change that for the world

Empathy

Empathy is like:

I see the light pouring out of your eyes and into mine

and I know how the whole world

is tugging invisible threads under your skin

and I want to help you unravel them

until you feel free

until you feel safe

until you feel loved

until we both grow apart

until we die

until we’re dust

I Swear I've Spent Half My Life Hiding In Bathrooms Arguing With Myself

We do not so much fall in love as we do into desperation.
While I am collapsing in on myself on the bathroom floor
trying to keep my own hands

from tearing me apart

you are tapping on the other side of the door,
whispering “It’s okay, please come out now.”

I am thinking about the way
you licked the lust off of my tongue

and it makes me sick.
I am thinking about the way
your fingers tightened around my throat
when I told you “I’ve never done anything like this before”
and I would give anything
to have the ability to rewind time,

go back to the moment before
I read your message, 

before I hit REPLY, 

before you drowned me 

in the delicious prose of your own sorrow,
before you unraveled my apathy 

with your bare hands 

and forced me to swallow it whole.
I am staring at my face in this dirty mirror
and I am drawing exes over my eyes
in the dust and the toothpaste splatter.
I am waiting for you to just give up.

I am waiting for you to leave me alone.

I am waiting for myself to gather the courage

to wash the tear-streaked makeup off of my face
and open the door,
walk away,

don’t say anything,
escape

A Nervous Girl Attends A Casual Party

I am at the party I did not want to attend

I am at the party although I would rather be at home in bed

I am at the party and I cannot find the girl who invited me

I am at the party and oh my god where should I stand

I am at the party and I am feeling grateful for the pack of cigarettes I bought before I came, now I have something to do with my hands

I am at the party and everyone seems to be speaking a foreign language I can't understand

I am at the party and no thank you I don't want a drink

I am at the party and I already said no, please leave me alone

I am at the party and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude

I am at the party and why am I sorry I haven't done anything wrong

I am at the party and I am trying hard to blend in with the patterns on the wallpaper

I am at the party and I am focusing on seeping into the furniture and into the floor and into the soil

I am at the party and it's been 30 minutes is it okay for me to leave yet

I am at the party and why don't these people have any pets

I am at the party and the line for the bathroom is way too long where am I going to hide now

I am at the party and I am texting myself would-be poems that will gather dust as drafts

I am at the party and I should really learn how to dance

I am at the party and I look across the room and I see you

I am at the party and she is biting your lip, her fingers in your hair

I am at the party and you look happier with her than you ever did with me

I am leaving the party as quickly and calmly as my legs will carry me

I am leaving the party and it's okay I'm okay everything is going to be okay

When I Think About You

Fireworks at night.
An ocean of light.
Bottle the sun.

The summer of peach tea and cigarettes.
Vonnegut and insomnia and all the ticking clocks.
Time flying by in quick movements
like fabric through our fingertips
when all we want is more and more and more.
Thirst.
Insatiable, 

craving every touch
every moment every bit,

every kiss every skin cell every drop of blood
every molecule. 

Home.
Warm, familiar spaces

where we melt into the cracks of one another
and begin to feel like a whole.
We will devour each other
and seep into the furniture
and into the floorboards

and into the soil. 

We will become shelter, 

we will be safe and warm.

this is wrong, this is all wrong

I used to be so strong, 
but loving you has made me weak.
Now I dig my fingernails
into the palms of my hands
just to remind myself
of what it feels like to be powerful.

starchild (10w)

You're the meteor shower I stay awake all night for.

my love you are made of so many stars // 10 word poem

you can always call me if you are feeling sad, okay?

You always compared your head to an unsafe neighborhood, somewhere you shouldn’t go alone, but I want to reach inside and take out whatever I can find because I have seen the light in you and if you let me I will show you where to find it whenever you forget.

a quiet soul whispers one request

People sometimes speak just to fill the void,

but I long for golden silence,

a darkness in which stars may shine.

Comparing Scars

The first time we compared our scars mine were so much deeper than yours, and there was still skin to spare on your arms, you could still wear cute sleeveless dresses and every day the sunlight could touch your skin, you were young and warm and full of light, there were infinite possibilities. I guess I envied you for that.

But soon the light was extinguished under your skin. Darkness in your eyes where before there were so many stars. You stopped eating your lunch at school. You started covering up your skin like it was a shameful secret. You were always taking those pills.

I blinked and when I opened my eyes you were gone.

I hope wherever you've gone there is no such thing as guilt or time. I hope they've let you hit the reset button and forget you'd ever known people like me. I hope your skin is full of sunlight again. I hope that there are so many stars in your eyes. I hope you're happy. I hope that you know now what peace can be. And I hope that somehow you might hear my apology. I loved you more than anything. Rest easy now. Sweet dreams.

I should have paid more attention. I shouldn’t have made living with this illness a competition. I should have held you closer. I should have said all of this sooner. I'm so sorry. 

there is a light inside of you waiting to be found

When everything was dark I would have rather died than ask for help and I can never thank you enough for tearing me back out from inside myself and I hope that if you ever forget how to find that light glowing within yourself you will let me show you where it is hiding, waiting to be found.

When you touch me I am made of starlight, are there galaxies in your hands?

I think there might be galaxies in your fingertips and if you touch me maybe I will collapse in on myself like a dying star but if you don’t I will never know what infinity feels like and I have always wanted to be torn apart and put back together and I want you to be the one picking up the pieces, you are the only person who knows where they all fit.