Affirmations | 03.03.15

I am constantly growing. I am constantly changing. I am reaching inward and holding on tight to anything that feels right. I am tearing out from inside anything too sharp, anything that cuts for all the wrong reasons. I am scraping together all the love I can find into small orbs of light I can hold in my hands. I am raising my voice. I am lifting my hands up toward the sky and asking for more and more and all. I am vibrating with such intention and I will direct it at anything that makes the blood boil under my skin. I am here and I am awake and I am alive and I have never been so ready and so excited and so terrified.

I Never Want To Stop

I never want to go anywhere without pressed flowers in my notebooks and I always want to have turquoise in my pockets and I never want to stop writing poetry and I will let it bleed me dry if that’s what it wants and I never want to stop staying up at night contemplating the stars and I never want to stop feeling every little thing like an anvil on my chest and I never want to stop agonizing over every little detail of absolutely everything and I never want to treat love like it is some big secret and I never want to stop filling up everyone I know with the same light they have poured into me and I want to keep growing stronger until I can swallow the sky and the sun and open my arms up and wrap myself around the Void until we become one with one another, until we can finally sleep.

Rest easy, sweet dreams.

Nocturne

When I am seventeen I go a bit insane and I discover that the whole world is connected to me by strings and I don’t know if I control them or if they control me but I do know that I feel very enlightened and aware when I have not eaten for five days and I drink two pots of coffee a day to stay awake because the nights are still whispering all their darkest secrets and I know that there is a grid of cosmic light keeping everything in tact but why? I see God in the golden dust that exists within each and every one of us and it makes me want to tear out my hair and scream at the top of my lungs when you tell me you can’t find salvation, just look at yourself, look inward, look back, look ahead, look anywhere.

Little Light, Keep Shining Bright: An Ongoing Letter to My Little Sister

When you were born, I thought you were the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen, and even now all these years later, I still see everything golden and everything pure in the whole world shining in you.

You are not your body. Your body is the vessel that carries your being around this earth. Never forget this.

Try to spend much less time worrying about the appearance of your vessel and much more time developing who you are becoming as a being in this world.

Never stop chasing your passions. Eventually, they will always lead you where you are meant to go.

Never stop creating. Make something new every day, if you can. Don’t worry about it being a “good” poem or a “good” painting or a “good” song. Keep that creativity flowing, don’t let it dry out.

If an art teacher tells you “Anyone could make this” look them straight in the eyes and say “But they didn’t. I did.”

Try. Always try. There is no shame in making mistakes, there is no shame in failing. There is only shame in not giving something your best shot because you’re too afraid to even attempt it.

Do not ever feel like you HAVE to do ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsure.

You have not been placed on this earth to be anybody’s punching bag or anyone’s doormat.

You are a beautiful being and you are capable of incredible things. Show the world what you can do, and be proud of it, but not cocky.

Do not ever start smoking cigarettes. It is so hard to quit once you want to, and you will, I promise.

Everyone smokes pot in college and nobody cares. Be safe and be smart.

One day you will fall in love.

Who you fall in love with is not something that you can control. Sorry, kiddo, but that’s not the way it works.

Do not ever listen to those who might tell you that love is a matter of choice.

Above all else, always try to be kind.

Always try to be grateful, and to express that gratitude every day.

Nobody knows what happens after we die. Some people claim to, but the truth is that all we can really do is wait and see. So in the meantime, you’ve got this life. Make it count. Make it great.

Please, always know that when you need me I am here, forever, for all of this life and whatever might come after.

you and I will devour each other

You and I will devour each other like there is a fire inside burning up every bit of poetry scribbled down on the backs of napkins, every line you have ever spilled into me, pushed past my lips and scraped along my teeth with your tongue. We become wild things with sharp claws that rip and tear and bite, there are monsters in your voice when you moan into me and I am falling quickly in love with each and every one of them. And to be honest touching you touching me has provided me with enough material to last through years of loneliness, there is a quiet storm behind my eyelids when I am alone in bed with my hands between my thighs, there is a tidal wave screaming your name that only escapes in satisfied sighs.

glow

I fall in love with people who whistle or hum songs that have been stuck in their heads for weeks and walk with clumsy feet and bite their lips absentmindedly and whose eyes light up when they talk about their favorite things and like to jump in rain puddles and twirl their fingers in their hair and hold their coffee cups with both hands and blush at every compliment and unknowingly speak in poetry and practice their signatures and hold eye contact for so long it makes me uncomfortable.

one: never let yourself get too comfortable. never trust the feeling that you are SAFE.

I always knew that there was a fire inside of you but I was unprepared for the way that comfortable warmth could burn me, I never expected it to one day leave me with scars.

reasons to remain unattached (7/?)

There are gardens growing in your voice, flowers spill out every single time you open your mouth to speak or breathe,
but my voice is lost or maybe locked somewhere deep inside my chest. My tongue will always be tied, my lips will always be sealed.

you can always call me if you are feeling sad, okay?

You always compared your head to an unsafe neighborhood, somewhere you shouldn’t go alone, but I want to reach inside and take out whatever I can find because I have seen the light in you and if you let me I will show you where to find it whenever you forget.

Comparing Scars

The first time we compared our scars mine were so much deeper than yours, and there was still skin to spare on your arms, you could still wear cute sleeveless dresses and every day the sunlight could touch your skin, you were young and warm and full of light, there were infinite possibilities. I guess I envied you for that.

But soon the light was extinguished under your skin. Darkness in your eyes where before there were so many stars. You stopped eating your lunch at school. You started covering up your skin like it was a shameful secret. You were always taking those pills.

I blinked and when I opened my eyes you were gone.

I hope wherever you've gone there is no such thing as guilt or time. I hope they've let you hit the reset button and forget you'd ever known people like me. I hope your skin is full of sunlight again. I hope that there are so many stars in your eyes. I hope you're happy. I hope that you know now what peace can be. And I hope that somehow you might hear my apology. I loved you more than anything. Rest easy now. Sweet dreams.

I should have paid more attention. I shouldn’t have made living with this illness a competition. I should have held you closer. I should have said all of this sooner. I'm so sorry. 

there is a light inside of you waiting to be found

When everything was dark I would have rather died than ask for help and I can never thank you enough for tearing me back out from inside myself and I hope that if you ever forget how to find that light glowing within yourself you will let me show you where it is hiding, waiting to be found.

When you touch me I am made of starlight, are there galaxies in your hands?

I think there might be galaxies in your fingertips and if you touch me maybe I will collapse in on myself like a dying star but if you don’t I will never know what infinity feels like and I have always wanted to be torn apart and put back together and I want you to be the one picking up the pieces, you are the only person who knows where they all fit.

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 7

My friends all said that you were bad news and my mother said that I was just confused but I'd already fallen too hard too fast and honestly I still can't believe that a girl like you could want someone like me and you never tried to fix me you never tried to make me eat so I'd look the other way when you'd lie and cheat but you wore hickies like some trophy you'd won for kissing all those other girls but when we touched you were always careful, you handled my skin like it was made of glass but baby for you I'd break and bleed, I just wanted you to notice me please look at me please touch me a little more.

maybe i used you to feel less invisible it was wrong i'm sorry 

the worst thing I ever did was drag you down with me

When we were young we would compare our scars and contemplate the stars and everything was safe and warm and full of light, but I sank my sharp teeth into you and turned you into something new, something dark, I never knew you felt so alone I never knew that this was more than just a game for you I never read in-between the lines of those messages you sent I never hit reply I’m so sorry oh god please try to remember me like I was something good.

a letter to my former self

One day much sooner than you think you will open your eyes up and you will breathe fresh air into those tired lungs within that aching chest of yours and it will fill you up with warm, golden light, I know that right now everything seems so dark and lonesome and I know it isn’t fair I know you feel the pain of that monster’s hands around your mother’s throat, his poison in her blood, but this will only ruin you if you let it and I am begging you to be brave and I am pleading with you to be kind, even to yourself.

I know you think that this is the end but I promise you there is so much to look forward to.

reasons to remain unattached (4/?)

I’ve spent years building up a thick skin so I won’t be ripped to shreds by everyone I touch, but you tear off layers with your lips, you cut me open with your fingertips.

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 6

I never want to feel this way again, bruised all over in a lonely bed, black mascara tear stained pillow beneath my head, where did you go after I fell asleep? The alcohol didn't mix well with my medications and I'm so sorry for whatever I said that made you feel like you should leave because the truth is you're the strength in my spine and the heat in my blood and when I sleep alone I wake up crying I know it's not your fault I know it's not attractive I know I'm nothing like you hoped I'd be.

i never want to feel this way again i don't even remember what i said i'm so sorry

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 5

I told my best friend everything that winter. It was so cold that year that my lungs always felt so tight inside my chest and my lips were constantly chapped, cracked, and bloody, when I breathed, secrets spilled out. I never intended that. He always talked about the cold like it was a friend he had known all his life, and when I spilled my guts on the phone that night he didn't judge he just gave me advice, he said I should have kissed you when I had the chance. But how can I explain how impossible it is to even hold your hand when my mouth is sewn shut and my tongue is all tied up? You said that I was cute but I bet you said that to every girl that looked at you when you figured out that you could ruin people's lives by flirting with them once or twice.

i don't mean that i'm sorry i'm just upset right now

my body is not a weapon

Since I was very young I have been taught not to use my body as a weapon, but I have never been permitted to feel powerful, I have spent too much time avoiding reflective surfaces to establish any kind of kinship with my own image, besides, my body is just the vessel that carries my being around, and I do not want any more eyes on me, burning holes in my skin and biting down, sinking their teeth in. My body is not a doormat. My body is not a weapon. My body is my vessel and very soon it will be Dust again.

thank you, thank you, thank you

I don't remember much about my seventeenth year. The filler details of the memories are vague, they float around with nothing tangible to latch onto. I do not remember what I learned in school. I do not remember the things we said to each other at our graduation. I do not remember the promises we made and broke almost right away. What I do remember is the way the air felt and smelled, and what staying awake too long could teach me, and my meal plans, and exactly how much I weighed, but I cannot tell you that it means something, anything. I do not remember coming home that day and looking my father in the face and saying "I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I'd really rather be dead." I am so glad that I called you up instead, because although I never intended on spilling my guts to you on the phone like that, if there is one thing that I will always remember it is how you taught me to be grateful and to be kind, to everyone, including myself.