reasons to remain unattached (5/?)

You are starlight in human skin,
but there are also flames inside your veins
and I have been burned too many times before.

a letter to my former self

One day much sooner than you think you will open your eyes up and you will breathe fresh air into those tired lungs within that aching chest of yours and it will fill you up with warm, golden light, I know that right now everything seems so dark and lonesome and I know it isn’t fair I know you feel the pain of that monster’s hands around your mother’s throat, his poison in her blood, but this will only ruin you if you let it and I am begging you to be brave and I am pleading with you to be kind, even to yourself.

I know you think that this is the end but I promise you there is so much to look forward to.

reasons to remain unattached (4/?)

I’ve spent years building up a thick skin so I won’t be ripped to shreds by everyone I touch, but you tear off layers with your lips, you cut me open with your fingertips.

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 6

I never want to feel this way again, bruised all over in a lonely bed, black mascara tear stained pillow beneath my head, where did you go after I fell asleep? The alcohol didn't mix well with my medications and I'm so sorry for whatever I said that made you feel like you should leave because the truth is you're the strength in my spine and the heat in my blood and when I sleep alone I wake up crying I know it's not your fault I know it's not attractive I know I'm nothing like you hoped I'd be.

i never want to feel this way again i don't even remember what i said i'm so sorry

BUBBLEGUM BARF Vol. 5

I told my best friend everything that winter. It was so cold that year that my lungs always felt so tight inside my chest and my lips were constantly chapped, cracked, and bloody, when I breathed, secrets spilled out. I never intended that. He always talked about the cold like it was a friend he had known all his life, and when I spilled my guts on the phone that night he didn't judge he just gave me advice, he said I should have kissed you when I had the chance. But how can I explain how impossible it is to even hold your hand when my mouth is sewn shut and my tongue is all tied up? You said that I was cute but I bet you said that to every girl that looked at you when you figured out that you could ruin people's lives by flirting with them once or twice.

i don't mean that i'm sorry i'm just upset right now

my body is not a weapon

Since I was very young I have been taught not to use my body as a weapon, but I have never been permitted to feel powerful, I have spent too much time avoiding reflective surfaces to establish any kind of kinship with my own image, besides, my body is just the vessel that carries my being around, and I do not want any more eyes on me, burning holes in my skin and biting down, sinking their teeth in. My body is not a doormat. My body is not a weapon. My body is my vessel and very soon it will be Dust again.

thank you, thank you, thank you

I don't remember much about my seventeenth year. The filler details of the memories are vague, they float around with nothing tangible to latch onto. I do not remember what I learned in school. I do not remember the things we said to each other at our graduation. I do not remember the promises we made and broke almost right away. What I do remember is the way the air felt and smelled, and what staying awake too long could teach me, and my meal plans, and exactly how much I weighed, but I cannot tell you that it means something, anything. I do not remember coming home that day and looking my father in the face and saying "I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I'd really rather be dead." I am so glad that I called you up instead, because although I never intended on spilling my guts to you on the phone like that, if there is one thing that I will always remember it is how you taught me to be grateful and to be kind, to everyone, including myself.