When You Carry Your Depression Everywhere You Go

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
It has always been there,
waiting
to sink its claws 
into anything 
and everyone
that gets too close.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I have felt it moving in my blood
since I was very young;
even when the world was at its brightest,
I could see the clouds moving in
to cover everything in fog.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I tell myself I know its tricks,
I tell myself I’ve carried it long enough by now
to keep it contained,
to keep any of it from spilling out
around me
and the ones I love.

There is something dark lurking inside of me.
Some nights I lose sleep
thinking of when and how
it will resurface,
what will happen
when all of my demons
come up for air.

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Obey

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves 
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself 
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts 
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing 
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long 
to bloom like flowers in the spring

My Mania Tells Me Things And I Accept Them As Truths

My mania tells me things and I accept them as truths

Like:

If you stay awake long enough, 

everything will make sense

Like:

If you starve your body, 

your mind will expand

Like:

If you drink another pot of coffee you will be calm

Like:

If you smoke another cigarette your hands will stop shaking 

Like:

If you feel like you are going in the right direction,

turn around and run the other way

Like: 

If you feel like you are alone,

stay where you are and never leave

Like: 

If you stop speaking to everyone

for long enough

they will forget you exist

Like:

If you stop writing things down

it's like they never even happened

Like:

If you let another person stay near you for too long, 

their aura will eventually leak out

and seep into you 

and it will make your insides melt

Like:

If you try to figure out what someone else is thinking,

you will either only pick up static

or you will hear awful noise

Like: 

If you love someone,

you will make them wish

you'd never met

Like:

If you try to forget,

the memory will only get stronger,

it will plant roots in your chest

while you sleep